The best things in life are free!

Then I became disabled..

A lot changed.

I didn't just physically change.. my personality and mental health changed too. Some for the good, some even improved.. my anxiety and confidence however.. let's just say it's like a never ending rollercoaster of loop the loops, scissor twists, steep climbs and sharp drops and a safety bar that has to bang and clatter at every movement putting you on edge whether to enjoy the ride or be absolutely shit scared for your life. 

Finding the positives have always, always, always helped me since becoming chronically ill in 2020. Even when I'm faced with an obstacle, it won't stop me, well not for long anyway. I'll find a way around it, I'll change and adapt where possible and I'll get over that obstacle. It'll probably take me longer.. but Ill get there!

Lately though, lately my anxiety has taken over. Posting on my socials, it's like trying to get through ice with a tooth pick. Replying to messages, calls, emails.. it's like I don't know how to use a phone. I can see the info, I can hear the info.. my brain and body just doesn't know how to respond. Seeing friends and family.. I'd rather hide in my room and lock it so I'm safe and away from it all. 
Beading.. that feels a mission in itself trying not to mess up the design each time. 

Life just feels like I'm existing and not living.. just literally getting through each day as hidden as possible. 

I realised I lost me for a while. 

I doubted myself. Massively and deeply. To the point everything I did I felt wasn't good enough. That I'd be ridiculed and judged. I was sooooo ready to delete all my social media, my websites, and just jack it all in.. but I knew full well that wouldn't make me happy! If anything I knew it would make me worse. 
I won't lie.. everything felt like a shitty chore. A punishment almost. 

So Ive sat working on my fears, the triggers, the reasons and then Ive written down what I want.. what I need.. and how I can help myself. 

And then something clicked. It's like a light bulb came on! Yes cliche I know. But when your at rock bottom, when everything feels unknown and unstable.. You search for any bit of light just to keep you going. 

I saw my teeny tiny bit of light.. yes it was dim and jittering. But I saw it. And once I'd realised that teeny tiny bit of light was there for good.. once I trusted it, trusted myself.. it stopped being so dim and jittery.. 

That light is now bigger and stronger and I know exactly what I need to do!

I'm no longer hiding away.. or letting this unwanted guest live rent free anymore!

That was my first nail to whack and so far.. I've accomplished school run every day this week. That's a huge thing for me due to all the parents and kids looking at me. Difference is I started seeing the smiles, the kindness, the inclusion. I didn't take notice of the looks or stares. See the thing is, I've had my fair share of bullies. And not just as a kid.. but a full grown adult too. But this is where reality really hits. The abuse, the nasty comments.. it's not just been myself dealing with it. My kids have to deal with kids their age, in their classes full on bullying them because of Me. Whether it's my stick, my chair and even my hair. Yes.. I know. Poor choices being made by others.. but that has a huge impact and dominoe affect on both me and my kids. So to finally be at a place where I just don't care what others negative thoughts and opinions are.. it's somewhat of a relief! 

I'm currently posting once a day on my Instagram. Fingers crossed I'll be back to posting multiple times a day soon. I miss interacting with other Instagrammers. Whether it's about disability advocacy, music, beading, art or another interest we've in common. But seeing everyone's posts whether happy, sad, positive or negative.. it's a good feeling knowing your there to support them whatever is happening. 

Im also back making my beaded creations and the designs are just continuous like a unicorn shitting rainbow glitter in magical twirls and swirls hahahaha.. and I've even started painting again.. So keep an eye on my Art Choas page.. something special is coming.. hehe! 

And when I'm not posting on socials, or working on designs or painting.. or even doing the whole doom scrolling.. (Yes.. im talking to you.. haha.. we all doom scroll!!) I'm working on me. Mentally and physically. 

It's true what the title says though..

"The best things in life are free..."

Since I've started knocking anxiety's walls down.. I've realised how much I've missed. 

Nature.. it's pure and honest beauty.. whether it's the typical British weather of typical rain.. or whether we're lucky to get a sunny warm day.. there's just something about it that calms me, it helps release the negative energy sometimes without even me doing anything expect being outside. And I won't lie when I say I love taking photos of the scenery. I have one special object I love to photograph. The best bit is even on the days I can't get out or leave my house.. I can still see and photo this beautiful landscape. 

My friends and family both online and offline.. yes shutting down helps keep the negative being spread to others.. but it doesn't do me any good not talking. Others can only help so much.. I have to do 99.9% of the work.. but if I close off.. that dot of a percent could make all the difference to both me and my friends and family. Whether it's them helping me, or me helping them.. and even me helping myself just from talking to someone. As the saying goes.. " A problem shared, is a problem halved!" 

Confidence.. I'm not everyone's cup of tea.. that's cool. I don't like everyone I meet. We are all completely different and unique in our own beautiful ways. Perfectly Imperfect. But me worrying and always thinking about what others think about me.. that's what I'm working on. I know if people can't accept me for who I am that's ok.. it's not an issue.. we all connect from common ground.
I mean.. If others love and accept me..

I must be doing something right hey.. 

I just need to do the same.. love and accept myself! 

Life isn't easy.

Not for me.

Not for you.

Not for any of us.

We all live and walk.. and roll.. different paths.

We all experience things. And yes we can all experience the same stuff, places, people, situations.. but it doesn't mean we cope with, deal with and live with it the same. What I find challenging, others may find easier. What I can change and adapt.. others may not be able to do the same. We all have to do what's best for us. And sometimes.. just sometimes we cave in and break. 
We're only human. It's okay! And it's definitely okay to not be okay! Happiness, positivity and joy aren't our only emotions. 

I lost count how many times I've cried these past few weeks. How many times I've got angry at myself for being "broken"! How many times I've said "fuck this" and planned to quit and give up. But as I said above.. that wouldn't help. That would be me just being stubborn and letting all the negative stuff win.. and that's not me.. 

But.. and I say this with a big ass grin on my face at 3:54am haha.. one thing my anxiety hasn't tried to control. 
My humour!! 
It's still here.. and it's still fully intact!! 
So I'll be truely honest here.. Who isn't human if we don't say "fuck" with "this, that or it" once a day! Haha. I can say it all I like.. till I'm blue in the face and I'm needing a miracle to haul my arse around in my chair.. I still won't give up. I will still always find the positive from my negative. 

My positive from anxiety's takeover.. 

Anxiety might think it’s running the show, but jokes on it.. I’m the director, the lead actor, and the one holding the remote… and guess what?
**Mute**

I also have unlimited sarcasm, a lifetime supply of stubbornness, and a chair with wheels. Soo.. who’s really in control here? Mwahahaaa!!

If your struggling for any reason at all.. don't sit in silence.. you don't have to! There's a whole army of us behind you! I'm grateful to all those who continuesly reach out to me to give me support and advice and those who reach out for advice and support. I appreciate every single one of you!